When I first began teaching creative writing, I felt certain that any one of my students would stand up and say, ‘You fraud!’. It wasn’t that I didn’t have confidence in what I was saying, or that I was ill-prepared for my classes. I had an MA in Creative Writing and years of related courses under my belt. Additionally, I had put the lesson plans and scheme of work together and researched not just the subjects I was teaching but also different teaching methods to support learning.

Before a class, I would spend the day feeding back on students’ homework and reading my notes in order to add some newly learned snippet of information to my already packed two-hours of teaching. I had always had engaged students who regularly fed back on having enjoyed some element of the class, or some task I had set. Classes were lively, filled with debate and from my perspective: with the delight in reading my students incredible writing and seeing the evidence of this developing as the weeks progressed. Nonetheless, for the first year and a half of teaching my lessons were dogged by this feeling of being unworthy.

Then, I came across a Twitter blog link about imposter syndrome posted by Carl, a commissioning editor, whose blog address is: www.thatpublishingblog.wordpress.com. Before even opening Carl’s blog, I knew that imposter syndrome was the thing that had been hampering my feelings of self-worth.

So, what is imposter syndrome? Wikipedia is often a good starting point for research and describes imposter syndrome as, ‘A psychological pattern in which one doubts one’s accomplishments and has a persistent internalised fear of being exposed as a fraud.’ Wikipedia goes on to say, ‘Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved.’ This was an exact summary of my feelings at this time.

Further research showed that creative people have a higher chance of suffering from imposter syndrome. Additionally, men and women have an equal chance of suffering from it. Thankfully, recognising that these feelings were purely internalised and related to low self-esteem helped me to begin the process of overcoming imposter syndrome. Within a few months of reading Carl’s article, my teaching was observed and his article combined with the positive feedback from these observations helped me to overcome my performance anxiety.

I discovered that as a result of feeling inadequate, I had come to rely heavily on my PowerPoints. These had essentially become teaching notes, a prompt to help me overcome the deer in the headlamps fear that I experienced on a weekly basis in front of my students. David, my observer, suggested I produce my PowerPoint slides as a handout for my students. Then, rather than referring to each bullet point religiously, that I pick one or two points from each slide. Ones that would benefit from discussion or further development and that I almost skim the bullet points that were self-explanatory. It seems ludicrous now, but I had begun to follow each bullet point slavishly. It didn’t mean that my students and I didn’t have debate and discussion, but it freed me from the millstone that my PowerPoints had become and this was revelatory. Suddenly, I felt more engaged and relaxed; I was able to demonstrate my knowledge to a greater extent. As a result, I came to believe in myself.

So, I would encourage anyone who recognises these symptoms in themselves, to really listen to the encouragement they receive for their writing. Also, once you receive feedback then go back to it later. You might find that something you read slightly negatively first-time round is actually complimentary and supportive, but your imposter syndrome has popped up to try to persuade you that people are just being kind.

Challenge yourself – as I was challenged – in ways that allow you to demonstrate your expertise and to develop your knowledge. Engage in debates about writing technique, with those people who are: your beta readers, people in your writing group, people who have read the same books as you. Not only will you learn and develop your writing and critical thinking skills, but somewhere along the way you will hopefully also begin to believe in your own abilities.

Good luck and enjoy your writing,

Lesley